I sit cross-legged on my bed. The air conditioning unit is blowing at full-blast. The radio is playing a quiet song from my earphones. I stare at a page from my journal. It is blank. Neat. A far cry from the rest of the pages, which are stained with scribbles. Ink marks, short notes, my thoughts and feelings inked for me to relive.

I leaf through the previous pages. A date jumps up at me. October 30, 2006. The words are written with a heavy hand. The ink seeping through the next page. It is a page filled with anguish.

It hurts to say goodbye.
I can’t breathe. And you have no idea.

It is a painful page, weeping with sadness, a sense of loss pervading the words. Every letter screaming in loneliness, regret, and love. A single teardrop smudged the last letter of the entry. I wanted to tear the page and crumple it. I wanted to forget ever feeling that way. But I didn’t. It is part of my journey. Part of What Is.

I return to my blank page. My pen is poised above the first line. I wrote down a word. Crossed it out. Tried again. Scribbled a few lines. Uncertain of what to write. My mobile phone beeps beside me. I pick it up and read the text message. It is from him.

With you, I saw the sun,
Heard the birds
And felt the rain.
With you, I learned
Of love and life.
With you,
I smiled and laughed.
With you,
I came to life.

I broke into a silly grin. He always surprises me with these sweet rhymes. One of the many reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. I see his face in my mind, grinning with his boyish, mischievous smile. I can’t help giggling at his sweet face.

 
My gaze falls upon my journal again. It lay there blank with its mess of crossed out lines. And suddenly I knew what to do.  So I picked up my pen. And started writing.

You are worth all the pain.
Thank you.

 
-- November 28, 2007
Wednesday
5:41 p.m.

It was a dance.
You lead, I'll follow.
Let's sway to the music
So gentle.
Hypnotic.
Every minute
An eternity -
blissful.
Beautiful.
Filled with wonder
and magic.
They gazed deeply
into each other.
His hand holding hers.
Her breath
mingling with his.
His heart beating
for her.
The scent wafted
between them
sweet, and red.
Passionate.
He clutched them
tightly – an offering
to their bond.
A testament
to the attraction.
They danced in time
to the falling petals.
Eighteen roses.
Two people.
One love.

--- February 2, 2007

I can’t see you anymore.
You’ve splintered into
A million little splinters.
            Unwhole.

Where did you go?
You soul is dead.
Your smiles have faded.
            Missing.

What have you become?
No longer shining.
Struggling beneath.
            Broken.
 

         --- September 13, 2006 12.05 A.M.

I remember
Every
Word you said,
Every
Smile you flashed,
Every
Thing you’ve done.

And everytime,
I hope you know
That I will

Never forget
Every
Insult you hurled,
Every
Gleeful smirk,
Every
Bit of pain you’ve caused.

 ------ August 29, 2006

When you never made it to shore,
When the stars never settled on your palm,
When the winds failed to bring down a tree,
When the clouds never spilled with rain,
When your smile never reached your eyes,
When my kiss never touched your heart --
Then it was not enough.
And it never will be.

 ----- August 29, 2006